Crying Toddlers; A Thank You to Parents

I just feel like I need to say publicly (well, you know, as public as this blog is...which isn't all that public) that I really appreciate seeing other kids cry.

Yeah, let me explain:

As a mom, I guess I can be a little hard on myself at times. All mothers are. And, as much as I try to resist--I always end up playing the comparison game. Everyone hates that game, but no one seems to have figured out a way to stop playing.

So, when my two-year old starts screaming and crying in public, one of my first thoughts is usually, "No--really, she's not a brat! She's just a two year old! Don't judge my mothering!!"

I know, I know....pathetic. But, it's the truth.

So, when I see other kids scream and cry in public and I watch the mom and/or dad's face plummet with humiliation and frustration, I have to give a little smile their way. First of all, because I find that little, understanding smile encouraging. But mostly, I smile as a thank you. Thank you for making me feel normal. Thank you for helping me know that by nature toddlers are just fussy human beings. Their emotions are a roller coaster we can't get off of. It's not just my daughter that has the occasional desire to reek havoc on the ears of everyone in the grocery store--there are other toddlers with the same thing goin' on. I know, because I've heard them. Who hasn't?

So again, THANK YOU all you parents out there with sweet kids that just don't know how to control all their emotions yet. Thank you for dealing with their public bouts of rage and inconsolable sorrow--even though I know it can feel hard, humiliating, and sometimes like you want to punch a hole in the wall. Thank you, because I have a little one just like yours, and it's nice to know we're all in the same boat--trying as best we can to raise good kids. THANK YOU for making me feel better about myself....maybe that's not such a great comfort to you in the midst of the battle of tears, but I thank you all the same!

Confessions of a Young Mom

This is my confession:

Sometimes I let myself wonder if I'm "cut-out" to be a mom. Mostly for the following reasons:

1. Boredom. I stay at home with my now eleven-month old baby all day. I don't live close enough to any family members and haven't made good enough friends to feel like I can go "hang-out" all day with people. So, almost every day it's just me and Ellie. It's fun to play with her for a little while, but am I expected to play with her for eight hours while my husband is away at work? Straight? The internet says that if I let her watch too much TV with me that I'm a bad mom because it could cause problems for her later--ADHD or something. Also I can only watch so much TV during the day. I try to read, but of course at eleven months, whatever I'm 'playing' with is way cooler than anything Eleanor is playing with, so then it's really just a constant game of tug-of-war. We both get pretty sick of that game after a while. Then of course I try to write or do other things on the computer, but then she can't stand that I'm ignoring her and once again playing with something cooler than what she has. So, she cries at my feet instead. This is something else I can only take for so long. Eleanor could do it all day though. So, what can I do? Sit there. Just sit there. All day. Watching her play and occasionally interacting--sneaking little moments that I can to read, work-out, or write--those little moments when she's preoccupied for a few minutes or right before she's noticed I'm not paying attention to her anymore. I'm bored SO much of the time. I'm thinking this will change as she gets older, but as of right now I have to wonder, do 'good' moms do nothing but play with their baby all day?

2. Not being able to get out. This kind of goes along with the boredom thing. But, the thing with Ellie is that she really is such a good baby when she's entertained, and entertaining her is usually not that hard to do. She's super social and is great when we do get to go and do other things with other people/kids. I would love to do some kind of volunteer work in the community or get involved with things. But then I think, who would even let me volunteer with a baby tag-a-long? Even if I knew she'd be fine just being in a new place, I couldn't go and try to do anything. Then, of course, even if I did find something to get involved in that Eleanor could come along with, I don't have a car. I guess that has nothing to do with whether or not I'm a good mom, but I'll admit sometimes I think about some of the things I could do if I didn't have to stay at home with her all day.

3. I am so much more impatient than I ever remembering being pre-baby. Eleanor is like her mom--utterly depressed without attention. She's also like her dad--bored with things way faster than should be possible. So, the result is a lot of "fake" crying/whining. All the moaning and screaming without the tears. I get so sick of it some days I just want to scream. My worst confession is that I actually have a few times. I'm pretty much completely positive it's impossible for this child to play by herself for more than three minutes at a time. The worst is when I try to do dishes while she's awake--she just pulls on my legs and "cries" the entire time. It doesn't matter how many toys I put on the floor next to me. Who knew someone would hate me doing dishes more than I do! I am, thus, often very frustrated and frazzled throughout the day as I try to do things around the apartment or for myself.

I guess if that's it I can't be doing too terrible, right? Hmmm.

At any rate, I feel like the only things I hear on blogs and from moms is how wonderful being a mom is and how perfect their children are (I'm aware this is untrue and simply my self-pity fooling with my brain). Granted the moms who have a few more kids will usually rant about how crazy keeping track of more than one is--and how their life is constantly going. Those, I'm sure, will be comforting to hear/read in the coming years, but for now I feel like, AM I THE ONLY ONE?!??! I hope not. That would make me feel preeettty stupid.

To end on a much more positive note, these are some of the things that make it all worth it:

1. It's so easy to make this baby girl laugh it's ridiculous. Ridiculously awesome, that is. She laughs ALL the time and all day, so long as anyone gives her any attention. Sometimes all I have to do is make a silly face and she's laughing and jumping and clapping. Too cute. She LOVES to play--way more than she loves exploring. I'd say she's pretty typical compared to her age group when it comes to loving knew things, but there's a reason she rarely leaves the room I'm in--and if she does it's not for very long. She could miss an opportunity to play and laugh with me!! Sometimes I think even her laughing is sounds forced--even if her parents aren't that funny, she'll give us a courtesy laugh just so we'll keep playing. It's really incredibly cute. She's definitely the FUNNEST baby I've ever played with and it does make our days SO fun!

2. Talk about SOCIAL! If you haven't guessed from everything I've already said, Ella LOVES people. Almost all people, though for a while she was really scared of guys (I think she's almost over that). It makes it SO easy to go anywhere because I know people will love her because she will love them and everyone will love each other and it will be a great time! Pretty much every Sunday at church is like this--she smiles at anyone sitting next to us and immediately has a friend: See ya later when I'm hungry, mom and dad, I've got people to meet!! It makes church, parties, hang-outs, reunions, ANY social event even more fun having Eleanor there! She probably cries less outside the house with other people than she does inside the house with just me. That thought could make me sad, but I'm grateful to have such a social baby so I never have to dread leaving the house!

3. Ella Mei is so sweet and absolutely the EASIEST baby to console. Meaning if there ever is anything wrong, all I have to do is hold her for a couple minutes and/or distract her with a toy or a mirror (her reflection is the surest way to make her smile) and it's like nothing ever happened. Aside from when she feels she needs attention, she RARELY cries and it's so easy to stop if she does! She might bump her head or fall, but play with her right after and she'll probably not even notice. It's so uncommon for me to ever feel like I don't know why she's crying--I count myself beyond lucky for that!

4. With how much Eleanor loves everyone ELSE, it's so special to see all the signs that tell just how much she loves me! Before I became a mom I would've found that statement ridiculous--she's my daughter of course she loves me! But, after having Ellie, those signs that she loves me as her mom are always treasured moments that what I do is worth it and wonderful. I feel fulfilled--complete--not just that everything I do matters, but that it matters to me. I feel this way when she cries when she sees me leave the house; when I come home while Mark is trying to put her to sleep, but upon seeing me she gets so excited it takes an extra twenty minutes; when she's hurt and all she wants is me; when I go into her room in the morning and her face goes from crying to complete excitement when she sees me; the moments when all she wants to do is be held by me. Those little things are what add up, making my life the best that it's ever been.

I guess in the end I always have doubts of whether I'm a complete disaster of a mom--and I'm not fishing for any approbation, but I suppose most moms probably have similar feelings at some point or another. And. I'm far from hopeless--I've got plenty more kids to raise before turning in my test scores! ;)

Life is just Scootin' By

Why isn't my baby crawling yet? Why doesn't she have any teeth? Is she a pickier eater than other babies? Am I feeding her enough baby food? Am I feeding her too much baby food? Is it too early to start on finger foods? Should I have started forever ago? Other babies are practically walking at her age, is she not normal? Or are those babies not normal? Why doesn't she always sleep normally? AM I EVEN A GOOD MOM?!?!?!?

Occasionally I get a little crazy like that. But, for the most part I try really hard to put mommy-anxieties away and realize that of course all babies develop in different ways and at different rates and Ellie is probably the most normal baby ever! And, am not a bad mom--am actually pretty freakin' good at it! ;) Ok, well, I try anyway--and that's all anyone can say.

So, Eleanor hasn't started crawling and has HATE, HATE, HATED her stomach since the first time she was put on it. So, I've had pretty mixed emotions. On the one hand I feel like if she would just start crawling she would be okay entertaining herself at home for longer periods of time when I have to do things like make dinner or, you know, blog. I love playing with her all day, but let's be real, this little one has got to learn how to do some self-entertaining every once and a while. Though, she's actually not that bad sometimes.

ANYWAY, so on the other hand I think it's way convenient not having to re-arrange our small and still not completely unpacked apartment so she doesn't crawl into everything. I mean, self-entertaining is great......until she starts sucking the ink out of our pens.

Well, despite all of my mixed emotions, Ellie, for the first time ever, moved forward BY HERSELF on her stomach TODAY. Yeah, it was "epic," as they say. And I'm way excited!! It kind of takes her a while to get anywhere still so I don't really have to worry...plus she doesn't seem to particularly like it--it's a lot of work. The point is: now I know--this girl means business.

I know, I know... that means the title to this post was probably a little too punny to be funny.... haha.... ok.

Here's the poorly taken video of one of her FIRST stomach scoots ever. Enjoy... though probably not as much as I do.

Declarations of Little Importance.... but cute pictures too

I'm pretty bad at posting pictures on facebook... mostly I'm lazy, but, I have been taking pictures! Of Eleanor that is. I took a lot of pictures while Mark and I were apart for a month so he could see her growing the little that she did. He was in CA and I was in Utah with my sisters while he worked and saved enough money for us to get an apartment. And now, we're finally here! Well, been here for a few weeks. Anyway, LOVE the apartment, LOVE California, LOVE LOVE LOVE finally being with the hubster!!!!! I'll take pictures of the place later as I get further into decorating it. I think for one of the first times in my life I'm going to try to BE CRAFTY!  I know, crazy, right? I was the girl in my church youth programs who always got the pity looks during our crafty-nights. No one ever said anything, but they didn't have to, because I knew the glob of glue and string and paper in front of me was all my doing. And I never minded, I pretty much have tried to stay far away from things that involve glue and paint and colorful paper and string. But, I think that I'm going to give it a try. This means you may or may not see pictures of my achievements--simply because I don't know if there will be any, or if there will, I'm not sure how long it will take. But, I am determined to try!!

I'm determined to do a lot of things here. Mostly to stay busy. Since Eleanor was born I have always been with someone(s) all day--first Mark while he was looking for a job and then with my sisters right after he found one. But, now it's just me and Ellie all day and I'm having to make up things to do. Luckily Eleanor is the chillest baby ever so I can plan great plans! Like getting back to my home-schooled roots and studying countries, philosophy and cultures. Also I'm planning on learning to sew, decorate, cook, take decent-looking pictures for once, maybe even (if I'm really that bored) make cute cards--all of the domestic things I've avoided like the plague for most of my life. It should be interesting. And, of course, will all be done slowly one at a time as Ella Mei lets me.
In the mean time, here are some pictures of Ellie from last month.

I just realized Ellie is wearing her pajamas in almost all these pictures.... You might be interested to know that I've come out of that lazier point of my life and now get Ellie dressed in cute outfits every day. One step at a time, right!

Being Mom

I've been thinking about writing this post for a while (it's supposed to be the mushy one I've previously alluded to). Yet, I still don't know exactly what I'm going to write. I think I'll start and let myself ramble to wherever my fingers take me. So, here it goes, be prepared for something most likely long and most definitely unedited.

I always knew being a mom was important, but that doesn't mean I always wanted to be. I never DIDN'T want to be a mom, but I was more of a "I want to work for an NGO when I grow up" type of a girl (no, really, that's what I told people when I was, like, 13), not the "I want to be a mom when I grow up" type of a girl. I had plans. But, as I got older I slid back and forth on the importance of starting my own family. Finally, right before I turned 20 I decided having a family would be the most fulfilling thing for me to do with my life--not the only thing I would do with my life, mind you, but the most fulfilling. 

Well, I got the feeling like I should start praying for it. It felt weird so I didn't do it very often, but I did do it. About one or two months later Mark and I started dating. A year later from then we were married. A year later from then we had a one month old baby girl. Yeah, be careful what you pray for. 

But really, I couldn't be more happy. I still have plans, dream, goals---things I'm going to do with my life. Little Ellie will just have to come along for the ride.

The thing is, even though I always knew motherhood was an important role, I didn't know it would feel like it does sometimes. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm in a constant state of lovey-blessed-wonderment [Note: I like the way I described that]......[Note: I haven't done "Note:" in a long time], BUT, there are those moments. 

Sometimes, I'm in complete shock--I think, "THERE IS NO WAY I'M A MOM!!! NO WAY, MAN, NOOOOOOOO WAY!" But, then there are times where it makes so much sense, the thought of me not being a mom makes me think, "PHHHHSSSS, what ELSE would I being doing with my life? Probably not existing." And then there are really special times where I look at this little thing I helped create and think, "How did I get so blessed? How is it possible that I can love someone so much who is so small and so new to me? How can I ever live my life to deserve her?"


The thing is, being a mom of a newborn is stressful. She's been sick this past week and waking up constantly at night just screaming. I've really had it easy with Ellie being such a mellow baby, but for a few nights I got a glimpse into the lives of moms with colic-y babies who won't stop crying even when comforted. Unfortunately, I can't say I felt much of that lovey-blessed feeling during that time [Note: Yeah, I know, I'm trying to be better about that. I've been working on empathy for how she is feeling, instead of getting frustrated].

Totally my new favorite picture of us

Being a new mom (or, from what I gather, any kind of mom) is also time consuming. Yes, I have plans I plan on still accomplishing, but don't ask me how far I've gotten in the whole "achieving" thing. Actually, don't even ask me about the plans at all. Almost every day I look forward to nap times when I can shower, brush my teeth, and BLOG of course [Note: sarcasm].....[Note: maybe because I haven't used the "Note:" for a while, I'm over-using it. Sorry.].

Yet, with all of that, she is still my number one and those special mom feelings still exist--I just don't always take the time to notice them.

I can't wait to see her get older, but at the same time the thought of her ever not being my almost six-month old baby makes me want to cry. Is it just me, or do I sound like an emotional wreck?

Well, this has taken some interesting turns. I think I'll end on this:

One of the most special feelings I have that sometimes brings tears to my eyes is that Eleanor was meant for me, and I for her. Sometimes I get this strong feeling that that she and I were best friends before we came to earth, and that while I was chosen to be her mom, we were both meant to learn from each other. It's an overwhelming feeling that I am to take care of this precious light to the world--that I am responsible for teaching, nurturing, and filling this amazing spirit with so much love. But, I can also be taught by her. Maybe that is one of the real objectives of motherhood and family rearing--to aspire together to be what we otherwise couldn't without each other. One thing's for sure: Eleanor is one special little girl and I am beyond blessed to know her, let alone be her mom.

Shout Outs

There are a lot of people who deserve shout-outs for the help I received before, during, and immediately following giving birth to Eleanor. Here are just some of them.

Suzie Bell:

Ellie loves Suzie too! (less than two weeks old)

Suzie is one of the most motivational people I know. Since we moved away from Hawaii I have had almost zero motivation for much of anything. I blame it on the fact that I no longer have constant contact with this girl. Besides lifting my spirits by seeing her smiley face all the time, Suzie helped me with preparing for labor by teaching me the Tupler technique. I'm pretty sure that's the reason that pushing only took me about a half hour when this was my first baby. My stomach doesn't look too bad either, though I stopped doing some of the exercises (no motivation without Suzie, remember?) so I know it could be looking a TON better if I were still doing them. Or if I had even done them for the first month. Anyway, Suzie was an amazing trainer.

What's more is that she was an incredible friend. Not only is she motivational, but she's just all-around an uplifting person to be around--something I really needed especially in my last trimester.

I MISS YOU SUZIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Castle Medical Center

Castle Medical Center in Kailua, HI was the best birthing center ever! Ok, granted it's not like I've had any previous experiences with birthing centers, or even hospitals where they deliver babies. BUT, I couldn't believe how nice and accommodating everyone and everything was. They had everything I could want for the labor, but also all the nurses were so awesome--especially right after giving birth.

They let me hold the baby as long as I wanted but were there to help every first steps of the way. Everything was done at my pace and the way I wanted. They were all just so sweet and considerate. Plus there was plenty of room for my mom and husband to stay there the whole time. Typically only one guest is allowed to stay overnight, but when they saw both my mom and hubs sleeping on the couch and floor mat provided they let it go.

I highly recommend Castle birthing center to ANYone getting ready to have their own baby.

Mom

Five days before Eleanor was born

Wow, how do women have babies without their moms there? More specifically, without MY mom there??? Even Mark right after the whole thing mentioned we wouldn't know what to do without her there. She stayed up the whole night pushing on my back, encouraging me, and supporting me in all my decisions. She was particularly amazing in the week following. She stayed up with the baby so I could get sleep and helped driving me to pediatrician appointments.

Ellie had major problems gaining wait her first week. She just wouldn't latch on no matter what we did it seemed. I tried the breast shield, saw a lactation consultant (who, btw was awesome and deserves a shout-out, but I just don't have the time to write one for everyone or I'll never get this thing posted), tried all different holds, but nothing worked. She was born at 8lb 5oz and dropped to 7lb in four days. Newborns typically lose some weight their first week, but not that much. The doctors were really worried so from her first check-up on Monday until that Friday we drove 45min every day to get her weighed in. It was one of the most stressful and draining experiences of my life. I had to feed Eleanor every two hours--morning and night. But, because we knew the problem was latching this meant I would have her on me for 45minutes and then I would pump so she could have another 2-3oz every feeding. It was crazy, but my mom was there with me the whole time. It was such a huge relief! I have no idea what I would have done without her helping me get an hour of sleep here and there between feedings and pumping!

Mark, My Handsome Hubster

Less than two weeks after birth

Wow, well, first of all, Mark is amazing. I don't think I can adequately express the kind of help and support he has been for/to me since Eleanor came to us. Eleanor was born during Mark's last few weeks of school and I know I was probably not an easy person to live with as the stress and lack of sleep made me an emotional wreck. But, he's always been supportive and helpful and loving the whole way. During the labor he was up when I was and walking and breathing with me. Afterwards he would also wake up to take care of the baby while I pumped (he and my mom switched off to give each other some sleep). After my mom left his duties doubled as I asked even more of him. But, Mark has never once complained and has done much more than I know a typical new father might do. This is because feedings were SO LONG and stressful for the first month and a half. But, he's always taken it with nothing but love for me and Ella.

Now I just pump which is still time-consuming but not as much as pumping AND breast-feeding and is also a lot less stressful. Still Mark helps all the time and is up every night with me to heat up bottles and sometimes rock (or in Ellie's case, walk) the baby back to sleep.

About a month old

He is so loving towards Eleanor--it's so fun seeing him as a daddy. He sings to her, plays with her, makes her laugh, calms her when she cries, and shows so much love to our beautiful girl. He loves being a dad and I think it suites him well. One thing's for sure, I don't know what I'd do without him.


Well, those are all the shout-outs for now, though again I know there are so many more. The thing is, it takes me forever to write these posts because they are so long so eventually I just don't finish them and then, you know, a year goes by. So, this is just where I'm going to end it for now. I am a very blessed girl with a beautiful family of my own that is so full of love. My life couldn't be better.

The Story

Well, a lot of people have already heard my birth story, but I want to have everything in writing for me. Also, I apologize if I get too gross for some people, but birth--though beautiful--is gross too, so that's what I'm going to include. Don't worry, I don't go that much into detail!

There are so many things I want to write about, but first I think I'll just start off with the story. Later I'll write a post with a bunch of shout-outs to the things/people who saved me. Then I'll write all the really mushy feeling stuff about what it's like being a brand new mom for me.

Here goes, the story!

So, the whole of my labor from when I could really feel the contractions to when Elly came out was about 24 hours. The good thing is that I only pushed for about half an hour. Overall the recovery went really well. I "delivered" the placenta I think maybe ten minutes after Elly came out. I barely had any tearing and heavy bleeding only lasted a week... maybe two. The worst part was that I totally threw out my back and I could barely sit and get up without someone helping me for the week after. Sitting was SO uncomfortable and sometimes even painful. That made nursing so much harder (another story all together). But, I got better and now it's still sore if I sit for too long, but I'm grateful for not having any other things the past couple months to worry about.

2-6pm: Earlier that day I had gone to my doctor without feeling like I was having any contractions whatsoever--all I could feel was this sort of pressure in my lower abdomen--though definitely not regular like contractions. He was worried about wanting to induce me which got me worried until he checked me (btw, pelvic exams are the WORST!!!). He felt his way up there and said, "well, you're two centimeters dilated, so I don't think we'll have to worry about inducing you." What a relief!


So, until that evening I had to put my hands on my stomach to feel if it was tightening up with a contraction or not which totally got me in the wrong mindset. I felt like this was going to go SO WELL and would be so fast because I was already two centimeters without feeling much of anything.

10-11pm: At the time we were living in Laie, HI and our hospital was about 50 minutes away so when I could feel my contractions about 3-4 minutes apart I felt like we should head in. The contractions weren't too hard to handle, but I was pretty terrified of having Eleanor in a car. Looking back I realize what a stupid fear that was considering it was my first, but I guess pregnancy gives a woman permission to have ridiculous fears.

12-2am: I got to the hospital around midnight and the nurse said she thought I was still about 2 centimeters. I was so confused and disappointed! I was sure I must have been a 5 by now since ten hours ago I was a 2. Well, because my contractions were still pretty regular and we lived a good distance they let me stay and I think it must have been 1.5-2 hours later I reached 4 centimeters. That meant at 2am I was in a lot more pain, but feeling alright.

2-4am: Well, shortly after that my contractions were coming in at 2 minutes apart and quite a bit stronger. I was so tired, though, so I didn't want to walk around that much. Also by then my contractions had all moved to my lower back, also making the pain worse. By I think about 3am my contractions were 1-2 minutes apart and for the most part I was on the bed making my mom and Mark push really hard on my back to try and lessen the pain. I don't think it worked physically, but I think mentally it was nice thinking that SOMEthing was being done for the pain.

4-8am: Even though I had gone in saying that I was just going to see how the birth went to decide whether or not I needed the epidural, deep down I really wanted to do it all natural. So, I decided to stick with it with my contractions coming in at about 1-1.5 minutes apart by around 4am. I had them check me again thinking with these contractions I must be close.

WRONG! 4 centimeters still. I cried. Just cried. It wasn't even so much that I felt like I couldn't take the pain any longer, but it was the not knowing when it was going to be over that was so stressful. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was in pain, but the not knowing was the worst for me.

I felt like I tried everything--walking (my least favorite), the birthing ball, the Jacuzzi, kneeling on all fours while swaying or arching my back, squatting, and I don't even know what else. The nurses came in thinking I was on pitocin my contractions were so close. I remember reading stuff about how you should try and take a break in between contractions--even sleep for a couple minutes. Well, when your contractions are that close together there is no way you are sleeping! There is no break!

I remember my mom telling me to just breath out as low as I could to try to bring everything down (Elly was riding high right up until the moment I had her). It's funny now to think about what I must have looked/sounded like--hobbling with my legs spread in a squat, wearing my hospital gown, and moaning in the lowest voice possible "uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh" over and over and over again. Yeah, it's pretty funny to think about now.

8-11am: Well, at about 8am with contractions still coming at 1-1.5 minutes apart I had them examine me again. I was 5 centimeters. Again came the gush of tears. How could I only be 5 centimeters after all this time?! The nurse gave me a couple different options. First was the epidural and second was a morphine like drug that would wear off in about 45 minutes but would let me sleep. I cried and thought it over for a while and then decided to do the morphine drug (can't remember the name of it) around 9am. I was so tired after staying up all night I thought if I could get just a little bit of sleep I would feel so much better. I had it administered to me twice because sleeping--even for just a half hour each time, felt so good. But, the pain was still so severe and contractions were still close together and I was still exhausted.

11-12:30am: After having it given to me twice I had them check be again at about 11:30am. Again, only 5 centimeters. This time there was no hesitation--"just given me the freakin' epidural!!" I think I might of cried a little bit, but at this point I was mostly angry--angry at this stupid pain and for going through the morphine thing when I could have had the epidural sooner. I was angry, but I don't think anyone could tell the difference between my moans. Well, by the time the anesthesiologist came it was about 12pm. I was even more angry that he wasn't there the second I asked for him. It took about a half hour (maybe less? It seemed like too long either way) to get me all hooked up. He put in the needle wrong the first time which SUPER freaked me out because I started bleeding and feeling dizzy. This only last a few seconds, though as he quickly fixed it and got it right the second time (I guess the first time was just a test anyway...). I didn't doubt my decision (after he got it right) because I knew if I didn't get some rest there was no way I would have enough energy to push.

12:30-5pm: RIGHT! I was right... or, at least as far as I can tell. After getting the epidural I slept for 4 hours straight. I could still feel some discomfort in my lower back, but nothing like before. Sweet, sweet sleep never felt so good! I woke up around 4:30pm and asked to be examined AGAIN without high hopes, but with a much more positive attitude.

Lo and behold I had dilated to 8 centimeters and was almost completely effaced!!! This time I almost cried for joy! Plus the epidural wasn't as immobilizing as I thought it would be. I mean, I couldn't walk, sure, but I could shift around in my bed a little bit. By the time I woke up I could move my legs quite a bit and could start to feel the pain more. They up'ed the dosage but it didn't really make a difference. It didn't matter, though, because it was still better than before.

5-6:15pm: A little after 5pm I started feeling like I wanted to push, but the nurse said I should wait until I was further dilated and completely effaced. I started doing the pushing technique I had been practicing just lying down until about 5:45 when I told them again I really wanted to push. The nurse checked me again and said I was no different but I could start pushing if I really wanted to. I decided I did and within a few minutes she said she could feel Elly's head. Our doctor came shortly afterwards and I kept pushing, making I'm sure the weirdest and most horrible faces Mark had ever seen. Sweet guy didn't even mention it, but I know I must have looked SO WEIRD.

6:15pm: Then, at 6:15 Eleanor Mei Ackerman came into the world crying and beautiful. The most beautiful thing I've ever seen. They put her on my chest right away and I'll never forget the feeling of her cries stopping as she heard the sound of my voice and felt me softly shaking and shushing her. She just looked right up at me, totally calmed down with the sweetest disposition I've ever witnessed. She is one special girl... that's one of the many things I thought to myself then and continue to think every day.

Mark, my mom, and I were all so full of tears. I couldn't believe this little baby had been inside of me this whole time! It was truly incredible.

And now I'm a mom! The mother of a beautiful miracle. I am so blessed.

And that's the birth story. More mushy stuff will come soon :)

Attempting to blog.....again?

Wow...so that year went by fast...

I admire people who can keep up a blog starting the week after they have their baby--I am definitely not one of those people. It took me two months to even think about blogging and then another two weeks to start writing something. Of course, I was bad about blogging before the baby (as you can see from looking at the date of my previous post), so whatever.

Well, quick recap: I worked at Macy's in Kaneohe, HI from October of last year to July (a month before Eleanor was due) of this year. At first I was incredibly negative about it, but I really grew to love the people I worked with and it turned out to be a great experience. Elly (aka Eleanor, aka Ella, aka Ella Mei, aka Miss Mei...yeah, i know, it will be a miracle if this girl ever learns her name..s) was born August 10 and Mark graduated August 31. September 2 (Mark's and my one year anniversary) we flew to Utah to stay with Mark's wonderful parents in South Jordan while Mark looks for a job. It was crazy with a huge stop when we moved to Utah as suddenly we had nothing pressing to prepare for. Anyway, I'll write about the birth story later. For now, here's a cute video taken of Eleanor this week... she'll be eleven weeks this Friday! And yeah the quality sucks... we need a video camera or something!