Declarations of Little Importance.... but cute pictures too

I'm pretty bad at posting pictures on facebook... mostly I'm lazy, but, I have been taking pictures! Of Eleanor that is. I took a lot of pictures while Mark and I were apart for a month so he could see her growing the little that she did. He was in CA and I was in Utah with my sisters while he worked and saved enough money for us to get an apartment. And now, we're finally here! Well, been here for a few weeks. Anyway, LOVE the apartment, LOVE California, LOVE LOVE LOVE finally being with the hubster!!!!! I'll take pictures of the place later as I get further into decorating it. I think for one of the first times in my life I'm going to try to BE CRAFTY!  I know, crazy, right? I was the girl in my church youth programs who always got the pity looks during our crafty-nights. No one ever said anything, but they didn't have to, because I knew the glob of glue and string and paper in front of me was all my doing. And I never minded, I pretty much have tried to stay far away from things that involve glue and paint and colorful paper and string. But, I think that I'm going to give it a try. This means you may or may not see pictures of my achievements--simply because I don't know if there will be any, or if there will, I'm not sure how long it will take. But, I am determined to try!!

I'm determined to do a lot of things here. Mostly to stay busy. Since Eleanor was born I have always been with someone(s) all day--first Mark while he was looking for a job and then with my sisters right after he found one. But, now it's just me and Ellie all day and I'm having to make up things to do. Luckily Eleanor is the chillest baby ever so I can plan great plans! Like getting back to my home-schooled roots and studying countries, philosophy and cultures. Also I'm planning on learning to sew, decorate, cook, take decent-looking pictures for once, maybe even (if I'm really that bored) make cute cards--all of the domestic things I've avoided like the plague for most of my life. It should be interesting. And, of course, will all be done slowly one at a time as Ella Mei lets me.
In the mean time, here are some pictures of Ellie from last month.

I just realized Ellie is wearing her pajamas in almost all these pictures.... You might be interested to know that I've come out of that lazier point of my life and now get Ellie dressed in cute outfits every day. One step at a time, right!

Being Mom

I've been thinking about writing this post for a while (it's supposed to be the mushy one I've previously alluded to). Yet, I still don't know exactly what I'm going to write. I think I'll start and let myself ramble to wherever my fingers take me. So, here it goes, be prepared for something most likely long and most definitely unedited.

I always knew being a mom was important, but that doesn't mean I always wanted to be. I never DIDN'T want to be a mom, but I was more of a "I want to work for an NGO when I grow up" type of a girl (no, really, that's what I told people when I was, like, 13), not the "I want to be a mom when I grow up" type of a girl. I had plans. But, as I got older I slid back and forth on the importance of starting my own family. Finally, right before I turned 20 I decided having a family would be the most fulfilling thing for me to do with my life--not the only thing I would do with my life, mind you, but the most fulfilling. 

Well, I got the feeling like I should start praying for it. It felt weird so I didn't do it very often, but I did do it. About one or two months later Mark and I started dating. A year later from then we were married. A year later from then we had a one month old baby girl. Yeah, be careful what you pray for. 

But really, I couldn't be more happy. I still have plans, dream, goals---things I'm going to do with my life. Little Ellie will just have to come along for the ride.

The thing is, even though I always knew motherhood was an important role, I didn't know it would feel like it does sometimes. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm in a constant state of lovey-blessed-wonderment [Note: I like the way I described that]......[Note: I haven't done "Note:" in a long time], BUT, there are those moments. 

Sometimes, I'm in complete shock--I think, "THERE IS NO WAY I'M A MOM!!! NO WAY, MAN, NOOOOOOOO WAY!" But, then there are times where it makes so much sense, the thought of me not being a mom makes me think, "PHHHHSSSS, what ELSE would I being doing with my life? Probably not existing." And then there are really special times where I look at this little thing I helped create and think, "How did I get so blessed? How is it possible that I can love someone so much who is so small and so new to me? How can I ever live my life to deserve her?"


The thing is, being a mom of a newborn is stressful. She's been sick this past week and waking up constantly at night just screaming. I've really had it easy with Ellie being such a mellow baby, but for a few nights I got a glimpse into the lives of moms with colic-y babies who won't stop crying even when comforted. Unfortunately, I can't say I felt much of that lovey-blessed feeling during that time [Note: Yeah, I know, I'm trying to be better about that. I've been working on empathy for how she is feeling, instead of getting frustrated].

Totally my new favorite picture of us

Being a new mom (or, from what I gather, any kind of mom) is also time consuming. Yes, I have plans I plan on still accomplishing, but don't ask me how far I've gotten in the whole "achieving" thing. Actually, don't even ask me about the plans at all. Almost every day I look forward to nap times when I can shower, brush my teeth, and BLOG of course [Note: sarcasm].....[Note: maybe because I haven't used the "Note:" for a while, I'm over-using it. Sorry.].

Yet, with all of that, she is still my number one and those special mom feelings still exist--I just don't always take the time to notice them.

I can't wait to see her get older, but at the same time the thought of her ever not being my almost six-month old baby makes me want to cry. Is it just me, or do I sound like an emotional wreck?

Well, this has taken some interesting turns. I think I'll end on this:

One of the most special feelings I have that sometimes brings tears to my eyes is that Eleanor was meant for me, and I for her. Sometimes I get this strong feeling that that she and I were best friends before we came to earth, and that while I was chosen to be her mom, we were both meant to learn from each other. It's an overwhelming feeling that I am to take care of this precious light to the world--that I am responsible for teaching, nurturing, and filling this amazing spirit with so much love. But, I can also be taught by her. Maybe that is one of the real objectives of motherhood and family rearing--to aspire together to be what we otherwise couldn't without each other. One thing's for sure: Eleanor is one special little girl and I am beyond blessed to know her, let alone be her mom.