Confessions of a Young Mom

This is my confession:

Sometimes I let myself wonder if I'm "cut-out" to be a mom. Mostly for the following reasons:

1. Boredom. I stay at home with my now eleven-month old baby all day. I don't live close enough to any family members and haven't made good enough friends to feel like I can go "hang-out" all day with people. So, almost every day it's just me and Ellie. It's fun to play with her for a little while, but am I expected to play with her for eight hours while my husband is away at work? Straight? The internet says that if I let her watch too much TV with me that I'm a bad mom because it could cause problems for her later--ADHD or something. Also I can only watch so much TV during the day. I try to read, but of course at eleven months, whatever I'm 'playing' with is way cooler than anything Eleanor is playing with, so then it's really just a constant game of tug-of-war. We both get pretty sick of that game after a while. Then of course I try to write or do other things on the computer, but then she can't stand that I'm ignoring her and once again playing with something cooler than what she has. So, she cries at my feet instead. This is something else I can only take for so long. Eleanor could do it all day though. So, what can I do? Sit there. Just sit there. All day. Watching her play and occasionally interacting--sneaking little moments that I can to read, work-out, or write--those little moments when she's preoccupied for a few minutes or right before she's noticed I'm not paying attention to her anymore. I'm bored SO much of the time. I'm thinking this will change as she gets older, but as of right now I have to wonder, do 'good' moms do nothing but play with their baby all day?

2. Not being able to get out. This kind of goes along with the boredom thing. But, the thing with Ellie is that she really is such a good baby when she's entertained, and entertaining her is usually not that hard to do. She's super social and is great when we do get to go and do other things with other people/kids. I would love to do some kind of volunteer work in the community or get involved with things. But then I think, who would even let me volunteer with a baby tag-a-long? Even if I knew she'd be fine just being in a new place, I couldn't go and try to do anything. Then, of course, even if I did find something to get involved in that Eleanor could come along with, I don't have a car. I guess that has nothing to do with whether or not I'm a good mom, but I'll admit sometimes I think about some of the things I could do if I didn't have to stay at home with her all day.

3. I am so much more impatient than I ever remembering being pre-baby. Eleanor is like her mom--utterly depressed without attention. She's also like her dad--bored with things way faster than should be possible. So, the result is a lot of "fake" crying/whining. All the moaning and screaming without the tears. I get so sick of it some days I just want to scream. My worst confession is that I actually have a few times. I'm pretty much completely positive it's impossible for this child to play by herself for more than three minutes at a time. The worst is when I try to do dishes while she's awake--she just pulls on my legs and "cries" the entire time. It doesn't matter how many toys I put on the floor next to me. Who knew someone would hate me doing dishes more than I do! I am, thus, often very frustrated and frazzled throughout the day as I try to do things around the apartment or for myself.

I guess if that's it I can't be doing too terrible, right? Hmmm.

At any rate, I feel like the only things I hear on blogs and from moms is how wonderful being a mom is and how perfect their children are (I'm aware this is untrue and simply my self-pity fooling with my brain). Granted the moms who have a few more kids will usually rant about how crazy keeping track of more than one is--and how their life is constantly going. Those, I'm sure, will be comforting to hear/read in the coming years, but for now I feel like, AM I THE ONLY ONE?!??! I hope not. That would make me feel preeettty stupid.

To end on a much more positive note, these are some of the things that make it all worth it:

1. It's so easy to make this baby girl laugh it's ridiculous. Ridiculously awesome, that is. She laughs ALL the time and all day, so long as anyone gives her any attention. Sometimes all I have to do is make a silly face and she's laughing and jumping and clapping. Too cute. She LOVES to play--way more than she loves exploring. I'd say she's pretty typical compared to her age group when it comes to loving knew things, but there's a reason she rarely leaves the room I'm in--and if she does it's not for very long. She could miss an opportunity to play and laugh with me!! Sometimes I think even her laughing is sounds forced--even if her parents aren't that funny, she'll give us a courtesy laugh just so we'll keep playing. It's really incredibly cute. She's definitely the FUNNEST baby I've ever played with and it does make our days SO fun!

2. Talk about SOCIAL! If you haven't guessed from everything I've already said, Ella LOVES people. Almost all people, though for a while she was really scared of guys (I think she's almost over that). It makes it SO easy to go anywhere because I know people will love her because she will love them and everyone will love each other and it will be a great time! Pretty much every Sunday at church is like this--she smiles at anyone sitting next to us and immediately has a friend: See ya later when I'm hungry, mom and dad, I've got people to meet!! It makes church, parties, hang-outs, reunions, ANY social event even more fun having Eleanor there! She probably cries less outside the house with other people than she does inside the house with just me. That thought could make me sad, but I'm grateful to have such a social baby so I never have to dread leaving the house!

3. Ella Mei is so sweet and absolutely the EASIEST baby to console. Meaning if there ever is anything wrong, all I have to do is hold her for a couple minutes and/or distract her with a toy or a mirror (her reflection is the surest way to make her smile) and it's like nothing ever happened. Aside from when she feels she needs attention, she RARELY cries and it's so easy to stop if she does! She might bump her head or fall, but play with her right after and she'll probably not even notice. It's so uncommon for me to ever feel like I don't know why she's crying--I count myself beyond lucky for that!

4. With how much Eleanor loves everyone ELSE, it's so special to see all the signs that tell just how much she loves me! Before I became a mom I would've found that statement ridiculous--she's my daughter of course she loves me! But, after having Ellie, those signs that she loves me as her mom are always treasured moments that what I do is worth it and wonderful. I feel fulfilled--complete--not just that everything I do matters, but that it matters to me. I feel this way when she cries when she sees me leave the house; when I come home while Mark is trying to put her to sleep, but upon seeing me she gets so excited it takes an extra twenty minutes; when she's hurt and all she wants is me; when I go into her room in the morning and her face goes from crying to complete excitement when she sees me; the moments when all she wants to do is be held by me. Those little things are what add up, making my life the best that it's ever been.

I guess in the end I always have doubts of whether I'm a complete disaster of a mom--and I'm not fishing for any approbation, but I suppose most moms probably have similar feelings at some point or another. And. I'm far from hopeless--I've got plenty more kids to raise before turning in my test scores! ;)